Relationship work and child: How to remain a couple:It was somehow surprising that the book “Reunited Couple – Fulfilled Togetherness Despite Work and Child” by Sascha Schmidt landed on my desk. When Jungmama of two young children, who has been working since February, this topic is not foreign to me. In the interview, the author and couple consultant reports from the traps in which just young parents often grope and gives tips for a functioning relationship despite work and child.
Women miss support, men their partner
How do you know that something is wrong in the partnership?
Sascha Schmidt: Most of the time, it is a creeping dislocation that brings the couples to me in the consultation. A typical female perspective is here: “He is no longer interested in my life and I have no support”. I often hear of men, however: “She lives only for the family, I have no room at all.” Especially when the woman is back in the profession, it is often stated: “I am missing something, I do not get The necessary support. “
Is there a phase in the life of the parents that is particularly “prone” to problems?
Sascha Schmidt: Yes, they exist. Most clients come to me when the child is in kindergarten age, which is between three and five years old. If you as a couple become a family, and in the run-up well-spoken, it works at first usually quite well. In most cases, the woman takes a slightly longer period of parental leave and in the first two years this often fits quite well for both partners. However, if the woman returns to work, usually part-time, she often lacks support from the partner. The men, on the other hand, often complain about seeing their wife as a mother and missing her as a partner.
Fathers want more time with their children
Would a rollout bring more understanding?
Sascha Schmidt – Filmography by type
Sascha Schmidt: I do not think that this would be the solution. In my practice, I have not had a couple with whom the woman said, “My husband should stay at home so I can work.” Most women like to spend most of their time with their children and feel good about it. They want to work in parallel because they want a different kind of recognition. Women are usually concerned about more support, more to be seen.
There is currently a dilemma: the men are fortunate to be active fathers. This means they want to build an active bond and relationship with their children and not just be the breadwinner, as was the case with our parents or grandparents. For this to work, the fathers would have to spend time with their children – not just at the weekend. Often, however, the fathers capitulate because this desire can not be matched with the job.
“Men often need a lot of courage to choose the family”
Have parents become harder today?
Sascha Schmidt: On the one hand, it is easier, on the other hand freedom is always associated with self-responsibility and that is difficult. It is easier, however, because children’s care has also significantly improved their understanding of the company – a keyword of nursery or part-time models. Even the two father months are no longer a career break. So I would say, social but also on the part of the economy has changed a lot for the better. At the same time, however, it has also become more difficult because a higher, internal requirement pressure has arisen. Especially in urban societies a woman needs to justify herself today if she wants to stay at home longer. In men, on the other hand, I often feel that it takes a lot of courage to choose the family and the next career step. Older bosses and / or direct supervisors often understand such decisions less well.
Being as a central energy source
In your book you write: “Happy children have happy parents” – what does this mean for you?
Sascha Schmidt: This is my basic idea, which I always mention in my discussions, namely, that there are no generally accepted standard solutions. It is important that I as a woman or man goes well: in my life in general and then in my respective roles. In my role in my job but also as a mother or father. If I am doing well, the children will also notice this: And children can adapt themselves well to situations as far as clarity is concerned. They are much more flexible than most adults. It is also very important to be a man and a woman. I believe that this is the central power station to be successful in its roles.
A job can be moved, a child can not
But you should not let the children out of sight in this whole discussion: every child is different and for me it means that I always have to look at how my child is in a situation and how it develops. In my opinion, it is the responsibility of us parents to eventually return if the child is not doing well – the child always has priority. A job can be moved, a child can not.
3 Tips for a working relationship
Do you have tips for a functioning relationship as a parent?
Tip 1: Before the birth of the child, make sure that everything is upside down at the time of birth, and that you get to know emotionally things that you can not plan beforehand. You also have to be aware that the pawns will have a break – this is quite normal.
Tip 2: You should always look at the partner again and again and say to each other: “We are still woman and man and we are currently experiencing the adventure family together”. This can be a look, the good-night kiss or the question, “How did you do today?” This is about stepping out of the pure father or mother role and maintaining the connection to each other. At the latest after two years of parenthood, I always strongly recommend to take time again as a couple. Be it a common evening, a walk or a weekend without children. Depending on the situation and possibility, it would be ideal if this paired time becomes routine again. But then please, without any compulsion – it does not have to be the perfect evening or the perfect date. There is actually only one rule: “We do not talk about the child and do not plan the next week’s routine.” This is a training and exercise, and you will always succeed in seeing you.
Tip 3: Keep in touch. Try to look again and again: “Where do we stand and what is missing or what is missing?” You can compare this to a classic car which is placed in the garage when the child is there. If you look back only after two years, it is rusted. If, on the other hand, you look at it again and again, for example, makes an oil change and cares, then after two years it is not rusted, but only a bit dusty – but absolutely driving. And that is what it is about.